Happycow447. Why happycow447, that’s so random. Who comes up with these passwords? I’ve installed the modem, connected the router. Now I have to wait six minutes for the damn thing to activate. WTF!? I know I’m getting a message right now that I can’t see. I’m disconnected from the world. I could go outside and “enjoy” the fresh air, but I can’t. How can I go outside without my phone connected to the world through digital effervescence? I can’t even take a shit without my phone. I’m stuck. I’m still waiting. Waiting for an eternity. Five minutes left. What if it doesn’t connect? What if all my work installing the modem and plugging in the router was wasted? If it doesn’t activate properly, what then? Do I have to go down to the modem store again? This is the worst. Waiting is the worst. I remember waiting to hear what the doctor said about my Dad’s cancer. What were the results? Why do we have to wait a week to see if he lives or dies? Am I connected, yet? Four minutes. Fuck! I feel completely isolated. Nobody knows this dark place of not knowing. “We think it might be lung cancer so we’re running more tests.” It’s moments like this that test your connection to the world, to the universe, to family. The waiting is over for my Dad. He died. He was put in a cardboard box and burned in a furnace. We have his ashes on his desk right next to the wi-fi. He loved the wi-fi. He would curse when it went out but felt very accomplished when he would unplug it and plug it back in. “It’s working!” He would announce. I can hear him today. His voice an echo from the living room. “Thanks, Dad!” I would shout back. I would lock the door and sit at my desk, earbuds still in as I refresh PornBub. Three minutes. This is taking forever. What was it like before high speed Internet? I never told him I’m gay. I love men, I always have. I never got the chance – cancer took him before I could find the words. It’s simple. “I’m gay.” Not so simple. He would be 67 in a week. We’ll celebrate his birthday anyway. Mom knows I’m gay. I was dropped off by friend after a night of drinking three months ago. I stupidly left my phone unlocked and open to an app that lets you meet other gay guys in your neighborhood. I’ve never hooked up with any of them – maybe I should. Mom knows. She cried when Dad died. Geezusss, this is taking forever. She cried harder when she found out I’m a turd burglar. Two minutes until the activation is complete. I feel like this is all going to end in disaster. I’m going to have to go back down to the modem store and tell him I’m gay. No. That’s not right. I need a new modem. PornBub awaits. I wonder if they keep your Internet history. Is that cute guy behind the modem store counter reading my history? Does he know I searched for cancer treatments for Dad? Does he know I searched for naked photos of my gym teacher? I’m here in this moment, but do I really exist without a connection to the world? Do people know who I am? Does anybody really care? I have 1,441 followers on InstaGraph – can they see I’m not with them right now? Does anybody see me when I’m not online? One minute. One minute is all it would take. 58 seconds to get the courage to say the words and two seconds to say “I’m gay.” How hard would that have been? How hard can it be to just be me around my family? If I see him in heaven, I’m going to tell him. I guess if there is a heaven then he already knows. If there is a heaven then I’m probably never going there because God hates fags. I think we just end when it’s all over. There is no God. Certainly not today. Certainly not when Dad took his last breath then gravity took him. He was laying there, withered to a husk so I wasn’t prepared for him to slump more completely. He exhaled and his body caved in. Thirty seconds. Fuck! What happens next? What happens when I reach the unrelenting infinitum… the nothingness? I’m afraid. This is the first time I feel truly terrif…
YES!
I lean my head out the door so all the world can hear me “IT’S WORKING!”
